So today I had an interesting experience at church. The past couple of days, I’ve been listening to my inner voice, which I hope is inspired more by my relationship with God than other things. Last night, for example, I had this thought, “What if I’m not the person I want people to think I am?” That thought was followed by a great deal of pondering over how effective I am at portraying how important my faith really is to me. Do I really live the Christian life, or am I all just talk?
Before bed last night, Zack told me he did not want to go to church, and was not the least bit interested in discussing the matter. When this kid makes up his mind about not wanting to do something, such as eating a particular food item, he means business. I’ll admit, I tend to have a pretty lax attitude when it comes to arguing with my boy. It just seems easier most of the time to let him be in charge.
I know how that must sound to some of you parents out there. More lazy than lax, right? I do have friends who feel the need to remind me on a regular basis that I am the parent. It’s pretty sad, in my opinion, that anyone ever needs to remind me of that. I feel a lot of guilt where Zack is concerned, though. I hate how his life has gone the past few years, and I feel like I could have made better choices in order to prevent certain situations. I could have stayed in TN instead of moving down to AL, thus avoiding another custody battle with his father, and quite a lot of emotional trauma to Zack. I could have found another solution to getting out of the custody battle instead of moving to CA to live with my mother, thus avoiding some terrible drama caused by her earlier this year, and again, more emotional trauma to Zack.
Ok, I’m getting a little wordy here. I was getting to another thought. This morning, the first thought on my mind was, “Be the leader.” The leader of the house, physically, financially, spiritually, etc. There are only two of us here (not counting the pets), and our battle of wills has gone on long enough. With all that Zack has gone through, he probably needs a strong leader now more than ever. So I let him sleep in, but when Zack woke up I informed him that we would be going to the 11:15 am service at the church that I have chosen (despite the fact that he likes a different church better). I never wanted to be the kind of parent that forces her child to attend church if he/she doesn’t want to, but I do believe in “training up a child in the way he should go…” When Zack is older, it will be up to him to decide if he wants to attend a church regularly, but for now it is my place to teach him right as I see it.
This leads us, I hope, to the third interesting thought that popped into my head. Right before church, I thought, “What if I was a geek for God?” Ok, I know how corny that sounds, but that’s kind of the point. I pride myself on being a geek or nerd or dork or whatever you want to call it. I enjoy science fiction shows, reading, playing video games, Pinterest, blogging, Star Wars, Hello Kitty, shows like The Big Bang Theory, and so many other geeky things. I love talking to and meeting people who enjoy the same geeky things as me.
I read this interesting quote on Facebook that said something about how being a geek means being passionate. And I am definitely passionate about so many things. What if I made more room in my mind, heart, and life to be even more passionate about my faith? In the 90s, when I was a teenager, there was this whole great Jesus freak movement. I was definitely a geek for God then. My first boyfriend, when I was 18, was this great nerdy tech type guy who frequently challenged me in my faith. We had many great conversations about the Bible, and quizzed each other on Bible verses all the time. That might not sound like a great time to some people, but it was fun for me and it made me grow. It may not be a boyfriend, but I’d love to find someone to challenge me like that again.
Maybe I will find someone like that – or even several someones – at this new church. After I had that thought about being a geek for God, the sermon was about Serving, the four cups of Passover, and different things being offered at this church. I’m going to start the membership classes to find out where I can serve and belong in this church next Sunday. Zack wants to be baptized on August 7th, so I’m going to try to sign up for that online, if it doesn’t require being a member yet. There are several small groups starting soon, so I plan to get involved in one of those if possible. I really want to get involved in church again, and maybe find some ways to minister that I haven’t thought about in the past. It’s kind of like the pastor was saying today: everybody always asks God to move, but in reality He’s been moving all along. It’s up to us to move forward and try to meet Him and join in what He is doing. I’m tired of being stagnant and pretending like my faith isn’t the absolute most important thing about my life.